I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There's always time for handjobs
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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