She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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