What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
