Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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