I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
