From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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