It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
