I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
