Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
