Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
