I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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