He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
