you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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