You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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