can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
