i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
