im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
