haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
