so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
40s are totally the cure
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
