so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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