my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
