I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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