I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i love accidental penises.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
