Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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