I wish I could punch you in the face.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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