The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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