my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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