last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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