You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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