I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
