woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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