at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
