I never want to see another naked old woman again.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
