Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
