I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
