Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
