I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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