Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
