I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
