I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
