You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
