My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
