Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
