You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well I just put wine in my tea
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
