think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
