Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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