your parents love me but you hate me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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