I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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