well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
