Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
