she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
