My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
